Figuring it out as I go.....

I have a friend on the East Coast who inspires me. We don't see each other often, so we make use of the occasional phone call, Facebook or email contact. I'm glad she has set up a webpage where I can track her progress. And it's because of her writings that I've decided to get back to my blog. Oh, I'm writing my personal history, I'm journaling for myself and posterity, but something's still missing. I need to express myself in a way that will bring comment from others, perhaps...or in a way that just doesn't naturally flow into my journal. Whatever it is, I am hoping that the sporadic blogging will clear the logjam in my mind. Right now, no water seems to getting through!


Wow...where to begin? My last post was in 2009, just as I had decided to write online as an Examiner. I was pretty fired-up at the opportunity to positively influence the lives of others towards health. I don't know how much good my articles did. I often think that although my head is stuffed full of "health facts", I am not very successful at translating them into concete actions. Yes, I massage. Yes, I see the clients who come to consult with me as a naturopathic doctor. Yes, I counsel friends and relatives when they ask for my help. Yes, I offer myself for classes at church, health food stores, and such. But it all seems to be such a shot in the dark. Perhaps it's because I recognize the great need there is for a more healthy attitude among those with whom I share this planet. Suffering is all around me, and I have answers. But most people don't really want to know. So, when I offer classes, few show up. I wonder, "What's the use in preparing...I already know this stuff! I must be wasting my time."


I've hit the wall. After years of schooling, I'm finally "out" -- prepared for the work, and the work isn't there! The Examiner site seemed to satisfy for awhile, but then Examiner changed the format so I had to write every article from a local standpoint. My business isn't always local -- health doesn't adhere to regions! What I represent is global. So, I had a hard time bringing everything to the local level. I grew discouraged. Examiner WAS working for me when I could write on a national level, but even then I wondered if anyone was listening.


Is anybody out there? Was my training all for nothing but myself? I can't seem to find my place. That's what it boils down to. My extensive and expensive training seems to be somewhat wasted -- and I wonder if I'm wasting my life. Those few people I work with are grateful; I do have regular clients. But I could be so much more effective. How? That's the question.


It's more than my work, though. I seem to be having an all-around identity crisis. I was motoring along, fairly content, even with the lack of audience for my skills, when I was released from playing the organ at church a couple of months ago. Wow -- I was surprised at how fast and furiously the knockout punch was delivered. And it seems that everything else in life has fallen, domino-effect, since that happened. It seems that a big part of my identity was tied up in being the ward organist. I always suspected that it was a very important thing for me to do, but I had no idea that I would crash and burn if it was no longer available to me. Perhaps it was a husband substitute since Phil died?


Where do I go from here? Where do I fit in? Yes, I have another place in the ward family -- I've been a family history consultant for some time, for which I teach a Sunday School class. But where do I sit in the congregation for Sacrament Meeting now that I don't sit at or by the organ? How do I feel that I can share my uniqueness -- that I have a place or something meaningful to give? I don't think I'd be taking this as hard if Phil could sit beside me in church, the way he used to do. It's probably not healthy to have so much of ones' identity tied up in being someone's wife. But maybe mine is. Being a family history consultant doesn't provide me with the same satisfaction that being the organist did. Although sitting in the congregation does have some advantages, I'd gladly trade it for the organ bench and the inconvenience of not being able to talk to people before or after the meeting. And I'd sure as heck rather be playing the organ than singing! I used to love to sing, but it's getting more difficult with age.


So, is it the music that I love to share -- or is it something else? Do I just like to perform--be in the spotlight? It's true that I have no trouble giving talks at church (or elsewhere), I have no nervousness playing the organ. I even sat down "cold" to the organ in the Tabernacle on Temple Square and played with no nervousness! I don't always claim the spotlight, but I'm comfortable, usually, filling those positions. Why is it, then, that I rarely speak up in any classroom situation? I usually always have good comments. Hmmmm....I've tried to figure that one out for years and haven't gotten anywhere. Any ideas, anyone?


In answer to my own question above, I can say that I DO love to share my music. That's certainly part of it. I'm wondering, though, if the Lord wasn't listening all those times when I told him how grateful I was to be ward organist. Abandoned...forgotten....disillusioned. A little of all three, I suppose. I know this is a test of some kind. I won't lose my faith in the Lord over it, but I sure do wonder how I'm going to get past this.


I'm still playing the organ in the temple twice a week, which helps. I've also decided to buy an organ for my home. Those things help, of course, but they still don't stop me from feeling uncomfortable and even angry on Sunday when I have to sit in the meeting and hear someone else play the organ. I'm figuring it out as I go, but it's sure taking a long time. I wonder if I have enough life left to get this lesson learned. It's one of my more challenging trials, for sure.